Confession of a Saturday Night Mega Dork

Play this while you read, it will set the mood.




So I think what they say is true. “Do it once, you are experimenting, twice and you may have tendencies, but if you do it again, it’s time to just come out of the closet.” I am opening the door wide now, and I am unashamed. (Don’t worry, if you were party to any of this, I am going to give you a super cool screen name.)

Last night, I sported long ponytails, a giant pair of gold earrings, too much eye shadow, bell-ish bottom jeans, and most importantly, brown rented boots on wheels, which were probably created the same decade the motif of my eveningwear was meant to commemorate.

This is not even close to the first time I have done this either. It’s been going on, secretly to many of you, for a couple of years. That’s right. *Shouting* I roller disco!

And I happen to love (ok, well really kinda like) the Bee Gees, Donna Summer, ABBA, and the Jackson Five.

My usual partners are Isalay and Atalienay (told you, super cool pseudonyms) . Periodically, one of us puts a call out and the other two know that it’s ganna be one of those wild and crazy nights us nearing middle-aged mommies sometimes need to have.

If you have never been to a contemporary, ‘Happy Valley’, 1970’s roller disco, let me describe the scene:

After 9pm, the DJs of our local skating rink dim the house lights, and pump up the fog machine. The neon lamps and strobes kick in and the sound system blasts classics lyrics (the kind you just don’t hear today) like: “Don’t rock the boat baby, don’t tip the boat over…” or, and these are VERY meaningful to me, “Fe Fi Fo Fum, well I’ll be darn, here it come.”

The people pour in. Old people (like really old, like forty-something!!!!) and young people (like teenagers too) show up dressed in…well it’s hard to describe how they dress. Actually, you know The Village People? You know John Travolta? You know Madonna and Cindy Lauper? THAT’S HOW THEY DRESS!

(Start of distracting and sorta pointless tangent)
I know what you are saying, Madonna and Cindy Lauper? Well that’s totally 80s! No kidding! Duh! But as I mentioned earlier, there are teenagers there. And, well I guess if I were asked to dress like it were the 1940s, I might dress like I were from the 1950’s. The people who were in the know would laugh at me and say, behind my back ofcourse, “she’s wearing a puffy skirt, sweater, and wide heels but really she should wear a puffy skirt, a jacket, and wider heels!”

But I would be like "hey, it’s all black and white overdramatically acted movies to me!” So I saw the teenagers in their cut off sweatshirts and neon sports bras and I didn’t say, “Hey teenagers! This is Supposed to be Saturday Night Fever, not Flash Dance!” Cause that would just be wrong, and it would ruin the true spirit of roller disco night.
(End tangent)

A roller disco is like a giant rave for the people who are, and I am going to be painfully honest, not cool enough to get flyers stuck in their hands telling them where and actual rave will be! (Do you have any idea how geeky you have to be to NOT be welcome at a rave?) Also, there are no drugs that I know of, only with my particular brain chemistry the strobe lights can be quite potent.

Isalay, Atalienay and I like to play a game we call ‘see who can spot the biggest freak first’ when we go.

But here is the thing about roller discos. It’s a social economy all it’s own. Once you walk through the doors every thing from the outside world is left out there. And the stand outs, the in-crowd if you will, becomes the group of gangly, balding, sweaty, skinny, hairy chested men, boys, (and other) who are wearing white suites, or rainbow suits, or short jogging shorts, or…any number of things…and who can move their bodies on roller skates in ways I am remiss to describe. There are no words.

My cous..uh, er, anonymous unidentifiable friends and I DO NOT do tricks on skates. That is, not unless you consider managing to smack eachother's butts while taking a sharp turn a trick. Also, sometimes we wave our arms and wiggle our hips. I have trouble with that though, cause I am concentrating on not falling down. I can do a spin, but I usually scream in fear as I do them, because I don't ever do them on purpose.

I am going spend the next hour or so of my life seeing if “YouTube" or "LiveVideo” have anything comparable I can use for an example. I doubt it though.

Ok, well this is close, sorta. This is they "type" anyway.


K, K, Ok, here it is! Yes people, this is still going on!!! The train? Yes, we do the train!!! And I swear, the guy in blue (seconds 1:07 to 1:09)was there last night!!!


And ladies, next time you are hit on in the grocerie store by the creepy-strange man, don't summarily dismiss him. Maybe he is one of these on the weekend. They walk among us, I have seen them! I mean, no, you don't want them to say "hi" to you when your friends are watching, but on disco night...you will SO want to couples skate with them.